An Ice Day for a News Conference
    By Art Buchwald
    The Washington Post

    Tuesday 28 March 2006

    President Bush is covering all his bases. He is traveling around the United States defending his policies.

    The White House is scripting his appearances, and, of course, they depend on press coverage.

    Bush's handlers pointed out to the president that he had not said anything about global warming, and it was becoming a sore point with the public.

    One adviser says, "Let's set up a news conference and advertise the fact that the president will talk about global warming."

    The president agrees that it is a good idea and asks, "Where should we hold the conference?"

    Another adviser answers, "What do you think about holding a fundraiser on the Arctic Ocean?"

    Someone else says, "What about on the Titanic?"

    "And we'll have a big banner saying, 'Mission Accomplished.' "

    "I like it," the president says. "What do I say about my stand on global warming?"

    "You can say that the press only writes about the bad things, like the Earth getting warmer and polar ice caps melting. You will announce that your environmental adviser, who formerly worked for the Petroleum Institute, said that scientists don't know what they're talking about."

    Bush says, "I have never trusted scientists. They just stick with the numbers, and all they want to do is hurt us politically."

    "Then, Mr. President, you will assure the country that the Titanic will never hit an iceberg as long as you're president. And even if you do, you will stay the course."

    The president nods. "Can I talk about greenhouse gases that are melting the ice at both poles?"

    "We think it's a good idea to say that, although the emissions may be responsible for the melting, American corporations are dependent on carbon dioxide to keep their factories going. You should also say warm weather will cut down on the use of heating oil."

    The president says, "This would be a good place to attack the environmentalists."

    An adviser says, "If any of the scientists try to make us look silly on global warming, we'll censor their reports and forbid them to attack our position."

    The president asks, "Can I promise we can bring the boys home by Christmas?"

    "Good idea."

    An aide says, "Mr. President, your second term is only the tip of the iceberg, and you will do whatever is necessary, even though it hurts you in the polls."

    Another adviser adds, "The temperature changes can't but help your popularity. You'll go down in history as the American president that warmed the world."

    An environmental adviser says, "We will announce that we believe in a preemptive strike against floods, droughts, heat waves and hurricanes - because you think it's the right thing to do."

    An adviser says, "The country will remember that you were the captain of the Titanic, and if it weren't for you, the ship would have struck an iceberg."

    "Sir, this global warming news conference on the Titanic will be remembered in a league with the Gettysburg Address."

    "Mr. President, this will be a great photo op."

    The president asks, "Who will we put on the deck of the Titanic to cheer me on?"

    "Conservatives, anti-environmentalists, polar bears, seals and penguins."